I’d be lying if I told you that I’m feeling my best during these trying times.
Coronavirus this and coronavirus that. *EYE ROLL* “If I never hear that term again in my life, I’ll be happy.”
Up until a few weeks ago, that’s how I felt about this whole virus thing. To me, it was just something that was getting in the way of me and my plans. It was just hyped up news meant to work people up – it was just a virus.
Today, my feelings on it have changed.
Things evolved so quickly. One day we were being told to wash our hands and not touch our faces, the next day all our favorite events were being canceled. Days later, we’re told to work from home and avoid social interactions at all costs. Now, we’re ordered to stay home.
How the fuck did that even happen?
This whole thing is kind of scaring the living shit out of me, to be honest.
I feel really silly admitting that. There are a lot of people that are worried or in a downright panic. So I shouldn’t feel bad that I’m in a similar boat… but I do.
The girl who spent nearly every waking minute of the last several years “reprogramming her mind” and “grounding herself in a spiritual belief” and “finding the beauty in the bullsh*t” should be a little better off right now. She should be more than Ok. She should be thriving. She should be putting all her tools and tactics to good use right now. But she isn’t.
I’m anything but thriving right now. In truth, on some days, I’m barely hanging on.
Every day feels like a roller coaster.
Some days I think “I’ve got this in the bag”. I’m up early, fully in my peak state, ready to take on anything and everything that might come my way. I’m quick to be there for other people and have my life coaching hat on nice and tight.
Then there are other days where I think, “Wait, is this the end of the world?!” I cry at the drop of a dime. I freak out while simultaneously laughing at the fact that HEB is playing “it’s the end of the world as we know it” on the speaker while I shop empty shelves. I’m quick to anger and require that I drown myself in work to feel even some sense of normalcy.
I go to sleep thinking about this pandemic.
Every morning, it’s the first thought that crosses through my mind. At the end of each day, I’m left completely drained and depleted, not because I’ve done so much physically, but because my mind has been consumed by this.
Even on the good days, when I finish my workday early and I’m out riding my bike in gorgeous weather, in the back of my mind, worry is there.
I worry about my parents..
and what might happen if this virus should ever reach them. They’re both considered high risk due to their age and pre-existing health issues. I think about what will happen with my mom if we go into a full-on lockdown. I need to start planning to have her move in with me so I can care for her. The idea that this is even a possibility feels heavy.
I worry about the economy..
and the people that will be and have already been affected by this pandemic. Many have lost their jobs, more are bound to lose theirs in the coming months. Will I be one of them? With so much uncertainty, saying No with confidence just isn’t possible. That keeps me up at night.
I worry about how long this will last..
and what else might change. We’ve already adjusted to a very new way of living. How much more will we have to adjust? We aren’t allowed to visit friends. Grocery stores will only allow so many people in at a time and they must stand 6 feet apart. Then you get in there to find so much of what you planned to get isn’t even available. Gyms, bars, and restaurants are closed. We can’t really go anywhere.
Every news story is filled with drastic numbers that I don’t fully understand. Numbers about curves and death tolls and estimated cases and documented cases. So many friend’s social media posts are about what I should be doing right now – we’ve all suddenly become experts in pandemics it seems. Everywhere I turn, even in the comfort of my own home, I’m reminded that we’re living in a new world of uncertainty. And no matter what I do to shake the fear, it lingers in the background.
I know I have so much to be thankful for.
A safe home with a loving partner. My health. A good job still. The health of my loved ones. What could I possibly have to complain about, right? But it’s not that I’m ungrateful for these things, it’s that I fear losing them. I fear that I’m not strong enough to bear the loss of what I love so much.
Trust me, I’m meditating daily – sometimes even twice. I’m practicing gratitude. I’m talking to friends and staying as connected from a distance as I possibly can. Not only am I practicing social distancing, I’m also practicing social media distancing. I’m reading good news articles. I’m writing and consuming positive content. And still, the worry lingers.
If you’re feeling any of this, you’re in good company.
In fact, this blog post has no real purpose than to remind you of that. I along with the rest of the world are right there by your side. And if these feelings do come up from time to time – or they never leave your side – that is OK.
Please be kind to one another and be kind to yourself. Don’t look at all you have and say “I shouldn’t feel this way because the nurses have it worse or because I still have a job or because I have enough money”. Instead, remind yourself that this truly is an unprecedented time in our lives and there is no rule book on how to feel. No one or nothing can tell you who gets to feel what and when. You can count your blessings and still be fearful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Stay safe, my people. Reach out if you need to chat!