Turning My Mess Into My Message

By July 30, 2020 No Comments

I remember when I was in my late twenties… 

I had a really good job that I loved, bought a new house with my long time boyfriend and was always out and about with friends. I was living the life! Or so it seemed. 

From the outside, everything looked great. But on the inside, things felt “off”. 

I always said that I was a shy person, but really, I feared my own voice. I always described myself as introverted, but really, I was always hiding from other people’s judgment. I told the world I was straight and hid behind my relationship, but really, I wasn’t, and I was scared of being rejected because of my sexuality. 

I felt like I was living a lie and slowly tearing apart. 

But then something happened. 

It was election night in 2016. I had a glass of wine ready to celebrate the election of the first female president – it was a time that would be remembered in history, I wanted to be ready to make it memorable for myself. 

But as we know, things didn’t go down that way. 

Instead, a man that represents so much disrespect, inequality, and hate was elected. And my slow tearing a part fast-forwarded to a sudden shattering. 

I had already been struggling with my identity. I, for all my life, had been hiding the fact that I was bisexual and it made me really dislike myself. On top of preexisting not-enoughness issues, waning confidence, and massive anxiety, there was this. The icing on the cake! 

I was heartbroken and crying on the living room floor. 

I can recall the taste of the wine losing its flavor as I drank more and more. I remember trying not to be so loud as my boyfriend slept not far from me. Floods of texts from friends all experiencing shock and sadness were coming in. But none of their pain felt close to my own at that time. To me, this was more than politics and values, this felt personal. I felt attacked. 

In that moment, I really believed that my country might be against me. Everything I am and everything I stand for, they disliked. All my preconceived notions about being bad or wrong for being bisexual felt validated. I felt worse about myself than I ever had before. 

But underneath all that sadness, there was this a rising anger. A revolution was stirring in my heart. 

I stopped my crying just long enough to come out to my boyfriend. As he loved on me, showing me his full support and acceptance, I realized something. 

I realized how tired I was of pretending.

I was tired of playing small and fearing what my real potential could be. I was tired of staying quiet because I feared the opinions of other people. I was tired of not accepting myself and living a life that felt like a lie. 

I made a commitment to myself to never again live a life that felt out of alignment again. I would play big, I would live my truth and I would be myself out loud. 

It was in these painful moments that a new version of me was born. 

I launched a blog to share my story in hopes that living my truth would encourage others to do the same. It was these hard realizations that sparked my interest in life coaching and now I am a certified coach helping other women reclaim their power.  

I help women gain clarity around what they want in life, who they want to be, and breakthrough anything that’s holding them back. 

Going forward, it is my mission to empower as many women as I can.

I’ll guide them through the journey towards self-love, help them to share their own truths and embrace vulnerability, and step into who they were meant to be. I get to work with amazing ladies every day. I will do this for them for the rest of my life. 

That moment it time sucked – it was messy af. But. my mess became my message. And my purpose was pulled out of my pain. 


Author roryruedas

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